Managing Family Holiday Expectations

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Is managing family holiday expectations filling you with dread?

 

Let’s face it.  2020 has been a mean, hard year.  And it has the potential to get even uglier as the holidays approach.

Unfortunately, it’s not the dreaded virus that has the potential to derail all the upcoming family holidays; it’s those tricky family expectations.

Just recently, I was having a conversation with a friend who happens to have a new baby.  She was recounting how all the extended family were so excited to visit and see the baby over the holidays.

She was sick to her stomach just thinking about the vast amount of family traffic that would be parading through her home over the course of just a few weeks.  And the germs that would accompany them. 

Normal germs in a normal year is scary enough.  But contemplating some well- meaning relative ushering COVID-19 into her home made her physically ill.

And yet, despite her protests, and because they do not share her fears, they fully expected to be allowed to visit

 

 

Family expectations can be intense

 

From visiting to mealtimes, every family has their own expectations.  These expectations are often firmly rooted in time and tradition.

When you make the decision that those expectations no longer fit your current situation, the result is often hurt feelings and sometimes hostile attitudes. 

 

 

So, how do you manage those tricky holiday family expectations?

 

My response to my friend’s dilemma was; it is your child, and your responsibility as her parent, to do what you feel is best for both her and your family.   

 

And that is also my answer to how to navigate family expectations, holiday and otherwise.

It is your right and responsibility to make decisions regarding what is best for your family.

 

(If there is a spouse or partner involved, obviously, it should be a mutually agreed upon decision.)

Recently, our youngest daughter, who currently lives away, politely informed us that when she and her family move close, they will not be visiting anyone on Christmas day. 

They have made the decision, ahead of time, that it is in the best interest of their immediate family to spend the day enjoying each other.  Not racing from pillar to post (an old-fashioned way of saying from one place to another )

Bravo to her!  We will adjust.  We will forge new traditions.

 

What can you do to make it easier to manage?

 

Communicate your intentions well ahead of time

 

Rachel gave us two years’ notice of their decision.  (She knows her dad.  😉)

While you probably can’t give two years’ notice of your decisions, advance notice gives others time to adjust to your decision.

Making a no visitor policy when guests are knocking at the door is not going to end well.

 

 

Don’t justify your reasons

 

Every reason you supply can and will be refuted by someone who is not in agreement.    

This decision is the best for our family is the only justification that you need. 

 

 

Be respectful

 

Seeking permission from another individual is not necessary.    

If someone is hurt or angry don’t get pulled into a verbal tug of war. 

Simply reply, “I’m sorry you feel that way”.   

 

 

Let go of the guilt

 

Know ahead of time that not everyone will embrace your decisions.  Prepare for that.  And know that you will probably experience some degree of guilt. 

When the guilt sets in, remind yourself of this truth:  It is not your responsibility to please the difficult people in your life or live up to their expectations. 

It is simply the responsibility of the difficult people to accept your decision.

 

If you are on the receiving end of someone making a decision with which you don’t agree

 

Reread all the points above and realize it’s not your decision to make.

Accept the decision with grace and learn to pivot. 

If we have learned nothing else this year, we have learned that we possess the ability to change directions instantly.

 

Managing family and friends’ expectations can be tricky at any time.  But the holidays tend to take it up a notch.

 

Stay calm and remember that the holidays are about family, friends and love. 

When the holidays are over, the most important thing is that the relationships are intact.

Update on Rachel:  Since we are at the two year mark, I feel it only fair to update you on how Rachel will actually handle Christmas.  Rachel is currently enjoying life in an RV located on our property while she prepares to build a home.  For this year, our Christmas crisis has been averted! 

Man plans(or in this case, Rachel). God (and Brian ) laughs!

 

Like this post?  You might want to check out How to Create Great Memories

 

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